I've moved my blog to WP: idefiningi.wordpress.com
April 15, 2014
momentum (n.)
I literally hit a wall yesterday and with it I was hit with the understanding of the power of momentum - the beauty it can bring, as well as the damage it can do.
momentum (n.) 
1690s, scientific use in mechanics, "quantity of motion of a moving body," from Latin momentum "movement, moving power"
I've always strived to live in the moment; but I also like to reflect on each moment, so I can try to take something out of it - harness good vibes and energy from one moment on to the next to carry me towards something bigger (even if I don't know what it is); it gives moments even greater meaning, I guess. It's kind of like giving into the flow of things; reading your surroundings, the people around you, queues from the universe, and then channeling the energy from that into progress - productive things that make you experience, learn, grow. Even if it hurts.
The last year have been a strange ride for me. I fell into fall (sorry for the pun..) with a lot of momentum, starting things anew with a lot of energy to make some positive changes in my life. I ended a long-term relationship to the benefit of both of us, probably the most courageous thing I've done in a long time; I moved out, I helped my mom move, I travelled, and generally took time to do the things I had not had the energy to do before - experienced a lot for myself, with others, for others. Opened my heart and myself to new beginnings of all kinds. The new year pushed me along with such a beautiful momentum that brought me to do even more of that in the spring, opening up to new people, new experiences, improving myself, closing some chapters, digesting and healing, trying to make sense of the momentum of all of it. Just as I was moving along (even though with some difficulty and hard hits along the way), I hit a wall - literally - and the experience I had really has stopped me in my tracks. It sucks.
I haven't been at a standstill like this, both emotionally and physically in a long time. Usually when one goes, the other picks up the pace and moves me along to balance it out. Right now, I'm kind of just, in the moment but can't really focus or do anything with it but feel helpless and tired.
Yesterday, I went in to get my first shot of the HPV vaccine, a move to better my body. I walked out of the pharmacy (and over to the doctor's office) an utter physical mess, bruised, carpet-burned, emotional. I had passed out after the shot from an adrenaline reaction, falling head-first into the wall across me and then slammed my face into the floor. I blacked out for what the pharmacist believes was only a 3-4 seconds - but the thought process I had that I recall felt like I was out for hours. Talk about momentum - 70 pounds of my own body falling onto my own head; a bit hilarious, yet actually, tragic.
I awoke to the pharmacist speaking to me and I had no idea where I was. I had unexplained tears running down my face as I answered her two simple questions: my name and when my birthday is - I guess, the two main identifiers that we in fact exist - ha! Anyway, once I answered her (correctly, thankfully!) I landed back on earth and got a bearing on where I was and why I was there. It was utterly petrifying though - so many hormones running through my body, the confusion, the emotions, I just cried and yawned and shook for like 15 minutes trying to regain my full hearing and eyesight. It really hit me (pun..too easy) how resilient our bodies are, but also how weak.
Right now, I'm doing okay. My friend Jackie took me home - ensuring I didn't pass out on the bus (my blood pressure was hovering around 100/60). We sat on my lawn, then watched some Game of Thrones, and then I went to my mom's for some mama love and a long sleep (was told not to sleep alone in case I get dizzy or something). I awoke this morning to a slew of texts and messages from friends checking up on me after my 13-hour sleep. Their concern is great and really appreciated, but doesn't help as much as I wish it would - I still hurt because pain is a very solitary feeling. My face hurts and my head hurts and my left arm hurts. It hurts to walk (let alone run), to cry, to think, to laugh even - all things necessary for me to really get back to normal, both physically and emotionally - to get back to where I was a few days ago - it was kind of a tough place, but I at least had momentum.
Heck, even this blog post seems to lack momentum. I forget where it was going; sorry about that. Here, let me at least follow precedent, to make this make more sense....some etymology for you:
Ah yes, here we go - a conclusion (nothing fancy): I'm really lacking this "moving power" and am having a hard time putting energy into anything. I'm hoping that at least in writing this, I'll regain some of it. But before that happens, some Advil.
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