I've moved my blog to WP: idefiningi.wordpress.com
March 15, 2015
spontaneous (adj.)
Always
For those who know me, know me to be a pretty "busy" person. My calendar is usually packed at least a week ahead, filled with a mix of work and play, exercise, friends, family, chores, extracurriculars (because those still exist even when you work a 9-5 right?), etc. Me-time, and you-time, and us-time. It's all in there.
Those who know me better, know why I don't love the word "busy." It makes it seem like I'm not enjoying it, like I haven't made enough time for other (read: better, more important) things; as though I haven't chosen any of it. But, I truly believe that what we make time for should be what we believe in. And I think my OCD planning gets me living true to that for the most part.
My calendar fuels me; it sets me in motion - whatever my pace - making me feel safe in the comfort of the rails of my plan, moving steadily forward with stops along the way. Sometimes it's a short visit, sometimes an extended stay; and sometimes it can be just a brief glance out the window; but nonetheless, I anticipate it in some way.
I even leave room for "spontaneity" by clearing my calendar! I guess you could say, I plan for the unexpected. I don't jump out of the train very often, but when I do, I've mentally prepared to leave that as an option. Some would say this nullifies the spontaneity, as you shouldn't really "plan" to be spontaneous, but I beg to differ. In some ways, I think I'm always acting spontaneously - and this kind of proves it:
I can't doing something 'out of the blue' without being inspired, moved, or propelled by an outside source, something external to you that made you change your course. And ideally, we should always be taking in the world to help us decide how to fit in it; mapping it out, then choosing a way. Sometimes we take the fork, and sometimes we take a knife to our plans and have to reconfigure the journey. But, in either case, we should be feasting on life with a hungry heart.
Sure, sometimes we may not want to be somewhere, or we'd rather be somewhere else; but in the end, we've still decided it to go about it that way; we've chosen a track and stuck to the course. If you're good at it, this shouldn't bother you.
Today
The day was like most other Saturdays, with a yoga class thrown in because I was feeling this "funky" feeling and wanted to, as one friend called it, "let yoga get the itchy feeling out!" I tricked myself into thinking power yoga would help me power through this feeling, and after a few hours of vegging out after class, I peeled myself off of my mom's couch and tried to force myself out; but it just didn't jive.
See, at the back of my mind, I didn't really plan to do anything tonight - or rather, I planned to do nothing. Yet, I wasn't comfortable with this idea of "staying in on a Saturday night." I let habit and this imaginary pressure get to me, not forgiving or excusing myself for not being in the mood for any of the otherwise fantastic options I feel grateful to have had tonight; perhaps a bit too melancholy for a night out, or a bit "socially-drained" after an epic and very stimulating night of square dancing the night before (more on this later), something about today had me a seeking seclusion for shelter.
For me, to function at my best, I need to prepare myself for what's coming so I can set myself in the right 'mode'. Tonight though, I totally failed at that. My "I-wanna-be-alone" trigger got muted by "it's Saturday night!" and I found myself standing at the bar about to meet my friends, begrudgingly wanting to escape back to my apartment. I derailed a bit, I guess you could say.
I initially thought I totally lamed out. After an awkward hello and goodbye with my friends (likely interpreted as rude or selfish unfortunately - sorry), I went home. To do nothing "on a Saturday." Until that is, I did something I didn't plan to: write. And now I'm back on course, and it feels allllllright.
And it's Sunday already.
For those who know me, know me to be a pretty "busy" person. My calendar is usually packed at least a week ahead, filled with a mix of work and play, exercise, friends, family, chores, extracurriculars (because those still exist even when you work a 9-5 right?), etc. Me-time, and you-time, and us-time. It's all in there.
Those who know me better, know why I don't love the word "busy." It makes it seem like I'm not enjoying it, like I haven't made enough time for other (read: better, more important) things; as though I haven't chosen any of it. But, I truly believe that what we make time for should be what we believe in. And I think my OCD planning gets me living true to that for the most part.My calendar fuels me; it sets me in motion - whatever my pace - making me feel safe in the comfort of the rails of my plan, moving steadily forward with stops along the way. Sometimes it's a short visit, sometimes an extended stay; and sometimes it can be just a brief glance out the window; but nonetheless, I anticipate it in some way.
I even leave room for "spontaneity" by clearing my calendar! I guess you could say, I plan for the unexpected. I don't jump out of the train very often, but when I do, I've mentally prepared to leave that as an option. Some would say this nullifies the spontaneity, as you shouldn't really "plan" to be spontaneous, but I beg to differ. In some ways, I think I'm always acting spontaneously - and this kind of proves it:
We should always strive to be driven by choice. (I posit the 1650s addition had more to do with ((psuedo-)science than philosophy).
- spontaneous (adj.)
- 1650s, "occurring without external stimulus," from Late Latin "willing, of one's free will"
I can't doing something 'out of the blue' without being inspired, moved, or propelled by an outside source, something external to you that made you change your course. And ideally, we should always be taking in the world to help us decide how to fit in it; mapping it out, then choosing a way. Sometimes we take the fork, and sometimes we take a knife to our plans and have to reconfigure the journey. But, in either case, we should be feasting on life with a hungry heart.Sure, sometimes we may not want to be somewhere, or we'd rather be somewhere else; but in the end, we've still decided it to go about it that way; we've chosen a track and stuck to the course. If you're good at it, this shouldn't bother you.Today
The day was like most other Saturdays, with a yoga class thrown in because I was feeling this "funky" feeling and wanted to, as one friend called it, "let yoga get the itchy feeling out!" I tricked myself into thinking power yoga would help me power through this feeling, and after a few hours of vegging out after class, I peeled myself off of my mom's couch and tried to force myself out; but it just didn't jive.
See, at the back of my mind, I didn't really plan to do anything tonight - or rather, I planned to do nothing. Yet, I wasn't comfortable with this idea of "staying in on a Saturday night." I let habit and this imaginary pressure get to me, not forgiving or excusing myself for not being in the mood for any of the otherwise fantastic options I feel grateful to have had tonight; perhaps a bit too melancholy for a night out, or a bit "socially-drained" after an epic and very stimulating night of square dancing the night before (more on this later), something about today had me a seeking seclusion for shelter.
For me, to function at my best, I need to prepare myself for what's coming so I can set myself in the right 'mode'. Tonight though, I totally failed at that. My "I-wanna-be-alone" trigger got muted by "it's Saturday night!" and I found myself standing at the bar about to meet my friends, begrudgingly wanting to escape back to my apartment. I derailed a bit, I guess you could say.
I initially thought I totally lamed out. After an awkward hello and goodbye with my friends (likely interpreted as rude or selfish unfortunately - sorry), I went home. To do nothing "on a Saturday." Until that is, I did something I didn't plan to: write. And now I'm back on course, and it feels allllllright.
And it's Sunday already.
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